From the monthly archives:

September 1992

Rule #1: Just because it started and ran fine yesterday doesn’t mean
that it’ll start today.

Rule #2: Never presume to move the car, move the bike, then move the
car back until you have actually tried to start the bike. Under NO circumstances
put on jacket, scarf, boots, helmet and gloves before verifying that the bike
is running and is going to continue running.

Rule #3: A fully charged battery is like a delicate lily. Cherish
it now in its full flower, cause it’ll die tomorrow for no apparent reason.

Rule #4: Always know where your petcock is and how to move it from
on to reserve — not just while standing, but while cruising down a hill at
50 mph with the bike choking and surging beneath you.

Rule #5: “On” means “prepare to switch to “reserve” at any given moment.”
“reserve” means “ha ha, you’re stranded.”

Rule #6: The probability of the bike running out of gas or otherwise
breaking down is inversely proportional to the distance you are from a gas
station or other safe location.

Corrallary to rule #6: All owners of neurotic motorcycles have permanent
bruises on thier calves.

Rule #6a: The probability of being able to start your bike on the
first kick is inversely proportional to the number of people watching you.

Its even worse if you are trying to impress any of those people.

Rule #7: The tiny space between the top of your sock and your pants
leg is always just wide enough to come in contact with the exhaust pipe.

Rule #8: You will never remember if that funny whirring noise you
suddenly hear coming from the engine is normal or not. To make sure, you’ll
rebuild the engine only to find out that yes, it was normal.

Rule #9: There is always one more bolt. And that bolt is not metric.

Rule #10: Do not lean the bike over on its sidestand when the sidestand
is not down.

Rule #11: Swearing does not help, but it provides amusement for the
neighbors.

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Roadkill

September 1, 1992

in Fiction

It was more than thirty miles from where Carol lived to the city; forty by
the mountain highway. Carol worked in an office in the city, and commuted
the distance willingly every day. It would have made more sense for her to
live in the city, or at least in a suburb closer to work, but she liked the
neighborhood she lived in, and the commute didn’t bother her. In fact, if
she traveled on the mountain highway it was almost enjoyable. Often while
commuting, the rolling sweep of the road through the hills had a calming effect
on Carol, helping her to relax after a long day, hypnotizing her to the point
where she didn’t even mind the time she spent on the road. With the exception
of the occasional deer which wandered out onto the road, there were few other
disturbances on the long trip from the city to home, even during rush hour.

On this night Carol had stayed in the city long past rush hour. She had a
date tonight, dinner at a little restaurant and coffee at a cafe next door.
The gentleman she had been with worked in the office next to her; they had
seen each other almost daily in the elevator and exchanged jokes and polite
comments for months before she got up the bravado to ask him out. She had
been more than impressed with him tonight as he revealed himself to be literate
and outspoken, easy to talk to and quick with a joke. She had had a wonderful
time, and had he offered to let her stay at his place, she would have gone.
But it wasn’t altogether disappointing that he hadn’t; there would be future
dates, and future chances.

It was almost midnight when she started home, and on a midweek night there
was almost no one else traveling on Carol’s route. It had been a wonderful
evening, and she felt relaxed and happy. It was dark on the freeway, foggy
and cold, and she drove with the window open, the wind blowing in her hair,
a tape on the radio blasting into the night. She sang along, off key, missing
some of the lyrics and volunteering both lead and backup vocals. She drove
fast and messily, with one hand, staying only marginally within the lane,
and watching the fog roll over the freeway as if someone was standing by the
edge of the road and blowing it out into her path. If she unfocussed her eyes
she could almost see ghosts dancing in the fog before her, illuminated in
the brights, running to hide as her car tore through them.

Suddenly, a dark shape appeared before her on the road, and Carol’s eyes
snapped back into focus. She couldn’t tell what had wandered out into the
freeway, she came upon it so quickly, but it was big, and black, and made
no attempt to get out of her way.

She was going much too fast to be able to avoid it, but she wrenched the
steering wheel to the side to try, slamming her weight down on the brakes
at the same time. Agonizingly, she heard a thud, her car rocking on its tires
in rebound, and she let out a short scream as her car came to a sudden halt.

Her car had stopped in the middle of the freeway some distance beyond where
she had hit the creature. Carol’s heart was beating in her ears, drowning
out the sound of the music still blaring. She reached over angrily and snapped
it off. Breathing hard, she gripped the steering wheel in both hands, took
several deep breaths to calm herself and looked behind her in the rear view
mirror. There was only darkness behind her, dimly lit by the red glow of her
brake lights. She could not see far enough behind her to see what she had
hit.

Carol pulled over to the side of the road, and got slowly out of the car.
Her knees were weak under her and she supported herself with her hands on
the side of the car as she crossed around the front to the corner where she
had hit the creature. The fender was dented, but it was a strange, even dent.
She had hit a dog several years ago, and the dent on her car then had been
smeared with blood and bits of fur. This dent was clean, as if she had hit
a wall or another car, rather than a creature with flesh and bones.

Carol looked back along the road, into the darkness. Leaving the keys in
the ignition, she got a flashlight out of the glove compartment, and began
walking along the shoulder of the freeway back towards where she had hit the
creature. She had to see what she had hit, to see if it was still alive, to
see what she could do.

It was quiet and cold as she walked, slightly foggy, with no wind. She noted
a call box along the side of the road; if she had killed whatever she had
hit she could call for help. Twenty-five yards, forty she walked, flashing
the beam of the light all along the shoulder and into the first lane of the
freeway to try and see what was there. If when she had hit it the creature
had been thrown out into the other lanes of the freeway, she would not have
been able to see it.

Finally, far ahead, a dark shape lay huddled on the shoulder, and Carol squinted,
focussing her flashlight on it as she walked closer. She drew up next to the
creature and stood looking at it. It was black, whatever it was, big, and
covered with long matted fur. It wasn’t a deer, and it didn’t look like a
dog. Carol stepped still closer and played the beam of the flashlight over
it. It was lying on its side, its hindquarters pulled up into its chest. It
looked slightly ape-like. It was unlike any creature Carol had ever seen or
read about. Puzzled, she nudged it with the toe of her boot. It did not move.

Holding her breath, she reached with her foot and turned it over onto its
back. Its arms, long, hairy, with thin spindly fingers, fell to either side
of its body. Carol stood back up again, her heart beginning to beat heavily
again as she looked over the creature.

It was short, and stout, with long arms and legs. Its head appeared to be
joined directly to its body without needing a neck. The head was the only
part of its body not covered with hair; the skin on the scalp was scaly and
pink. The eyes, which were closed, were huge. Its jaw, slightly agape, was
full of sharp teeth. What was this creature? Where did it come from? What
had she found?

Bending even further forward over the body, Carol realized that the body
was unhurt, that there were no signs that it had ever been hit. There was
no blood, nothing broken, nothing out of the ordinary, at least for a creature
that was as odd looking as this one was.

Maybe its playing dead, she thought to herself, and as the thought crossed
her mind, the creature opened its eyes and looked up at her, the beam of the
flashlight reflected on its black eyes. Carol drew a breath to shriek but
the creature reached up faster than she could pull back, took the front of
her clothes in one hand and then ripped the scream and her throat out with
the other.

The flashlight fell to the ground, shattered and went out as Carol fell heavily
to her knees. On her knees she was about the same height as the creature,
who now climbed up on its hind legs, her clothes still clutched in its hand.
Carol’s vision faded in and out as the creature looked at her; surprisingly
the pain was not as bad as she would have expected. The creature frowned,
or at least, it made a face. Carol could not fathom the thought or intention
behind the expression. Loosening its grip, it pushed Carol sideways, letting
her fall to the pavement, her legs too weak to support her body. She landed
on her jaw, and it splintered, and then she felt the pain, but she could not
open her mouth wide enough to scream, so the sound she made was more of a
pitiful moan. She had fallen on her side, and she could feel the warmth of
her blood as it ran down the incline of the pavement past her cheek. She tried
to gasp, but she could not draw air into her lungs. She looked up at the creature
who was still looking at her with the big eyes, eyes with no irises, just
endless fluid black. The creature looked at her impartially, and then turned
away from her, walking with a low shamble back along the shoulder the way
she had come, back towards her own car.

Carol’s vision darkened, and the pain overcame her. Tears formed and blurred
in her eyes as she blinked to try and see what was going on She tried to push
herself up onto her hands, but her muscles were frozen. As she died, she heard
the engine start in her car, and watched as the lights in her car came on
and it pulled off of the shoulder and vanished down the freeway road into
the fog.

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