From the monthly archives:

January 1999

Exit Strategy

January 1, 1999

in Fiction

[samir 485]%> make all
cd src; make all  \
CC='gcc' CFLAGS='-g -O ' CPPFLAGS='-D_BSD_SOURCE    ' \
LDFLAGS='' MAKE='make'
make[1]: Entering directory `/home/builds/src'
cd mm; make all  \
CC='gcc' CFLAGS='-g -O ' CPPFLAGS='-D_BSD_SOURCE    ' \
LDFLAGS='' MAKE='make'
make[1]: Entering directory `/home/builds/src/mm'
make[1]: ERROR: can't find file tags.c
make[1]: ERROR: can't resolve symbol _mmtag
make[1]: ERROR: can't resolve symbol _libtag
make[1]: ERROR
make[1]: ERROR
make[1]: ERROR

The build was massively broken. Not just a simple kind of broken, a misplaced
semicolon or a misspelled method name, the sort of thing where you can read
an error message, make a few fixes in the code and recompile. This was a really
bad sort of broken: GCC was howling in pain, there were mangled dependencies
everywhere and errors spewing all over the floor — it was the sort of help-me-I’m-melting
kind of broken build that no software manager wants to hear about days before
a project deadline.

“OK,” Tom said, scratching his four-days-old beard, looking over Samir’s
shoulder at the console as errors streamed by. “Look through the CVS logs.
Let’s see if someone checked in something funky last night. I need coffee.
I’ll be back to help.”

Tom went down to the coffee room at the end of the hall. This was bad. This
was really bad. They were so close to being done. The major bugs were worked
out, the only bugs left were small and piddly, it was almost ready for prime
time. The executives had been really on him to have something to show to the
new owners back in Boston. Tom had been reassuring them all along that the
project was great, it was fabulous, it was coming along fine. And now this.

The coffee was old and black and sludgy and appeared to be crawling up the
sides of the pot. Just the way he and the other engineers liked it: if its
not alive, it won’t keep you awake. Tom picked up the pot, tipped it towards
his mug, and then paused. Eight o’clock in the morning and the build was all
fucked up already. “I need a much bigger cup,” he muttered, putting the pot
back down again.

He had a 32-ounce cup in his office, a trinket he had picked up at Comdex
a few years back from some graphics company that was probably long dead. Trinkets
like cups and pens and T-shirts are the archeological detritus of silicon
valley companies; the fossil remains of companies that don’t or can’t evolve.
Tom’s company, Oblinx, bought by UniMicro a mere two weeks ago, was in that
class, a victim of excellent ideas but too little marketing done too late.
Even now the signs on the doors were being changed, the new business cards
were set to arrive any day now, and next week’s paycheck would come from the
other side of the country. Soon all that would remain of Oblinx would be four
boxes of extra-large Hanes beefy T-shirts.

Tom left his mug in the coffee room and went down to his cubicle to retrieve
the cup. He hadn’t even been in his cube yet that morning. Samir had called
him at home when the build broke and he had come straight in. Now as he pulled
down the cup and dumped pennies and paper clips out of it, he had a chance
to unlock his computer’s screen saver and glance at his email.

The usual nonsense had arrived overnight; meeting alerts, jokes from friends,
much recreational typing from the managers at UniMicro, the HR woman in Boston
pestering him about some 401K forms he had to fill out. But then the message
from Andrea caught his eye.

To: tom
From:  andreag
Date: Wed May 24 1999 02:32:45 AM PST
Subject: FUCK THIS SHIT

I QUIT

Uh oh. That was bad. Tom put down the cup and scooted his chair over to his
desk. Pop up an Xterm window, log into the server, type a few commands.

[tom 4]%> last | grep andreag

andreag     ttyp16       fnord           Tue May 23 20:45 - 02:46 (6:01)

Andrea had been in overnight, working. That wasn’t that unusual; like many
programmers Andrea kept odd hours. And when they were on deadline the hours
tended to get particularly odd. Tom typed a few more commands, and there was
the smoking gun, there in the CVS logs: Late that night, just before she had
sent the email, she had checked out eighteen files, and then checked them
in again five minutes later. Right before the nightly build started. The comments
when she ran cvs commit on the files were certainly clear enough:

[Wed May 24 02:25:12 andreag] Fuck you UniMicro.  Fuck you all to hell.

Shit. Andrea had sabotaged the build.

Samir poked his head into Tom’s cube just as Tom was leaning back in his
chair. “Um, Tom, I found the problem,” he said, looking nervous.

“Yeah, I see it too,” Tom replied, still staring at the evidence on his screen.
“Its not like she tried to cover her tracks, is it.”

“Not at all,” Samir said. “She checked in garbage. Nonsense. The whole memory
manager is gibberish. We *all* use that library. No wonder the build broke
so hard.”

“Can’t we just back out her changes?”

“She also overwrote the CVS archives as root. She damaged everything. We’ll
need to reconstruct it from backup.”

Tom nodded. OK, that was bad, but it wasn’t that bad. He had backups from
just a few days ago. It could be fixed in a few hours, counting the time it
would take him to go home and get the tapes. They would make their deadlines.

* * * *

Usually the reasons for Andrea’s occasional angry outbursts had much in common
with most other engineers’ angry outbursts: managers were idiots, marketing
people were idiots, all the other programmers in the group were idiots, the
tools she had to use were written by idiots, and so on. But usually the angry
outbursts were confined to a couple emails, maybe a few raised voices in conference
rooms. Once there had been a keyboard flung against a wall. She had even quit
a couple of times, but Tom always refused her resignation and usually after
a day off she calmed down and came back to work. But for as long as Tom had
known her (eight years, three companies, six projects, untold numbers of all
nighters and deadlines — they worked well together, and tended to follow
each other around to each other’s companies), Andrea had never turned her
anger on the code. That would be like turning the gun on your own child.

Andrea, like everyone at Oblinx, had been upset when the company was failing,
upset when it was shopped around, and upset when it had been sold to UniMicro:
big, evil, possibly monopolistic UniMicro. She, like everyone, had been particularly
upset that it had been sold so cheaply — but everyone knew UniMicro’s negotiating
team were sharks and they knew wounded prey when they saw it. But they had
been reassured by Oblinx and UniMicro’s executives that they would all get
significant raises, new stock options in UniMicro, and that UniMicro would
not interfere in the project. In fact, UniMicro would give the project the
sort of marketing and sales support that Oblinx hadn’t had the time or the
money to give it. Given the emotional investment most of the programmers had
in the project, having worked so hard on it for so long, the chance to see
it through to ship was enough to calm most of the anger. Even Andrea’s.

Which was why this particular blowup — and the form which it took — was
such a mystery.

* * * *

Tom let himself out into the back parking lot, which was mostly empty. It
was still early in the morning; most of the engineering team would not show
up for a couple hours at least. This was OK by Tom; as long as they got their
work done they could show up any time they wanted to. It was the silicon valley
way.

It’d take him an hour or so to get home through rush hour traffic on 101,
pick up the backup tapes and come back. If he was lucky he’d make it before
too many more engineers came into work and found the build was broken. Samir
would run interference while he was gone. Mildly he wondered if being bought
by UniMicro meant that they would finally be able to afford an actual systems
administrator, someone who could do backups and store them in an actual off-line
tape storage facility. Seemed kind of odd for the founder of the company to
be doing backups and storing them in a $100 Office Depot safe in his little
Sunnyvale apartment. But hey; it was a startup. If the founder and VP of engineering
doing backups meant that more engineers could get more work done, so would
it be.

Getting to work early had one advantage; first choice of the prime parking
spaces over by the grass island under the tree, where it was shady. Except
for the tree, the Oblinx building was exactly like most other silicon valley
office buildings. Generally when developers build office buildings in the
valley, they take a bit of land, bulldoze anything already on it, put up a
generic two-story office building with a red tile roof, surround it with parking
lot, and plant Generic Drought-Resistant Northern California Landscaping.

The land the Oblinx building was on had this huge old oak tree on it, and
for some mysterious reason the developer had let it stay, although he had
paved all around it, creating the grass island in the middle of the parking
lot. The tree rose up from the island, black and twisted, into the hazy silicon
valley sky, towering over the sea of generic Japanese cars like an arthritic
hand with far too many fingers. It was wonderful.

What was even more wonderful about it was that it was climbable. When Oblinx
had moved in the programmers had acquired, Tom didn’t know from where and
knew better than to ask, a whole lot of lumber, and had built a sort of tree
house in the big old tree. The treehouse became a sort of refuge, a place
to escape to when the stresses inside the office became too much. You went
out to the tree to think, you went out to the tree to relax. The beer was
served by the tree in the summertime for the traditional Friday afternoon
get-togethers. Sometimes programmers slept in the tree if they stayed too
late at work and didn’t feel like driving home.

Tom had parked on the far side of the tree, and as he passed underneath its
branches he suddenly had a thought. He looked up into the branches of the
tree, up at the platform.

“Andrea?” he said, barely raising his voice. “Andrea, are you up there?”

He waited a while, and was about to turn to his car when Andrea’s voice replied.
“Yeah, I’m here.”

Tom put his car keys back in his pocket. “Have you been up there all night?”

“Yeah. I had a lot to think about.”

“I can imagine.”

Another long pause. “Can I come up there?” Tom asked.

“Its a company tree,” Andrea replied. “You’re a company man. I can’t stop
you.”

Tom wasn’t used to climbing the tree, even with a low branch to start from.
It took a few tries to do it, and he scraped his hands and banged up a knee
doing it. Finally he worked his way onto the platform and painfully sat cross-legged
across from a very tired-looking Andrea.

“That was really pathetic,” she commented.

Tom shrugged. “I spend too much time in front of the computer. Not enough
time climbing trees.”

“You need to have better priorities in your life.”

“You’re right,” Tom agreed.

Andrea had her back to one of the larger branches of the tree, and was looking
out towards the building. She would have seen him going into the office in
the morning — and seen him coming out again. She had to know what was going
on inside.

“So,” Tom said. No more small talk. “You checked in some strange stuff last
night.”

Andrea half-smiled, and then her face went blank again. “Yeah,” she said,
looking down at the floor. “I probably screwed up the build something fierce.
I’m sorry about that.” But then she frowned, looked back up at him, and shook
her head. “No. No, I’m not sorry.”

Tom took a deep breath. “I’ve known you for a really long time. Usually when
you’re mad I have a pretty good idea why. This time, you’re way madder than
I’ve ever seen you, and I don’t have a clue. I figure it must be something
important. You wanna at least give me a hint, here?”

Andrea looked straight at him, searching his expression for something. Her
eyes were ringed with red, but her look was still intense and wary. He held
out his hands, a help-me-out-here gesture.

“They haven’t told you yet,” she finally said, as if coming to a decision.
“You’re just as fucked as the rest of us.” She closed her eyes and shook her
head to herself as if she couldn’t believe it.

“What?” Tom quizzed. “Who’s not told me what yet? What are you–”

“Our illustrious CEO and the guys at UniMicro are shutting us down.” Andrea
interrupted, bitterness in her voice. “Today. At noon. They sold us out, and
now they’re shutting us down.”

Tom opened his mouth and found he didn’t have a thing to say. He stared at
Andrea as if she had grown tentacles out of her ears.

“That was not part of the deal,” he finally said. “I can assure you I have
heard nothing –”

“*I* heard them.” Andrea insisted, leaning forward. “They had a meeting last
night. They came into the office at midnight. Johnnie, Frank, Ted, all of
the exec guys, and the UniMicro guys from Boston. They snuck into the office,
and they didn’t know I was in.”

“So how did you get in on this meeting?”

“You know how the wiring closet butts up against the board room?” Andrea
grinned. “You know how there’s that space up near the ceiling? If you bring
a chair in and stand on it you can hear everything.”

Tom gaped. “You stood on a chair and eavesdropped on our managers from the
wiring closet?”

“I was just curious,” Andrea said. “They don’t tell us *anything* since the
buyout. Things have totally changed. They’ve cut us off completely. Don’t
tell me you don’t hate that, Tom, because I know it bothers you. You started
this company, you built it from nothing, you brought in those bozos to turn
it into a real business, and now you’re so far outside the loop you can’t
even see the inner circle.”

Tom tried to keep his face passive, tried to act the good manager, but she
was right. It did bother him that the executives seemed to be off making their
own deals. It did bother him that it felt like his company was no longer in
his control. And if this news was true, then it was much worse than he had
thought. Much, much worse. Tom felt a small knot begin to build just under
his breastbone. When the buyout talks were going on he had felt that knot,
felt that something was wierd and fishy, and had ignored it as nervousness.
Its not every day you get to sell a company. “OK,” he said, carefully. “I
didn’t know any of this. What exactly did you hear?”

Andrea frowned again, obviously not enjoying being the bearer of bad news.
“UniMicro has no intention of keeping us separate. They’re going to shut us
down. They’re going to take our code and give it to a project in Boston to
incorporate into another product. They don’t need us. They’re going to lay
us all off. Well, you’ll get to stay for the transition.”

The knot got bigger. “Our executives can’t want that. They can’t have agreed
to that.”

“Our executives will get paid off,” Andrea insisted, angrily. “They get new
jobs in Boston. They get signing bonuses, relocation bonuses, big options
in UniMicro. They get plenty enough money and perks to make up for any losses
they took in Oblinx. That was part of the deal. That was how UniMicro got
us so cheaply. Our executives get everything. What do you get as the company
founder, eh?” Andrea asked.

Tom swallowed, and the lump throbbed. He hadn’t gotten a lot. Oblinx had
been in trouble, financially. They hadn’t started selling the product early
enough and their burn rate was too high. That was Tom’s fault, and he admitted
it, but once he had recognized it he had hired a management team to try and
save the company. But they had run out of money. When they couldn’t get another
round of funding and were facing having to shut down, the CEO had started
looking for a buyer. The UniMicro deal had been the best they could find –
or so he had been told. By his own executive staff. Two of whom had come from
UniMicro. And who, it now seemed, were not negotiating in the best interests
of the company. Oblinx had been sold for crumbs. Once Tom was able to sell
his shares and pay off all the debts he had incurred in starting the company
he might be able to buy a car. A small car. Not even a German car. “Oh, God,”
he said, putting his fists against his face. “This is insane.” He said, dully.
“They need us. They need the engineers. We’re good engineers, its hard to
hire good engineers these days….”

“We’re silicon valley engineers.” Andrea clarified. “We’re expensive. Offices
are expensive. California taxes are expensive. Moving the whole thing to Boston
saves them big bucks.”

“They’ll kill it. They don’t have the expertise. They can’t understand the
internals. They’ll just fuck it up and it’ll die inside the company before
it ever ships.”

“Do they care? They’ll learn something from it. I did a kick-ass memory manager.
There’s enough parts there to cannibalize. And it sure didn’t cost them much
money. Now you’re figuring out why I got so mad.”

Tom nodded, looking out at the parking lot where his CEO, in a brand new
silver Porsche, had just pulled up. “Yeah.” Tom replied. “Yeah, I’m beginning
to understand that.”

“After they all left last night I was trying to figure out some sort of positive
outcome.” Andrea explained. “But I couldn’t see anything. I just sat and got
madder and madder. I couldn’t stand to think of handing over all my code to
UniMicro to fuck up. I’d rather kill it than let them get their hands on it.
Its all in my head, anyway, right?” she tapped her forehead. “I wrote it once,
I can write it again.

“So I wrote this Perl script to generate garbage, checked out a bunch of
files, garbageified them, and then did a cvs commit.” She laughed. “This is
going to sound wierd, but it felt really good.”

“‘Fuck you, UniMicro, Fuck you all to hell,’” Tom quoted. “Not exactly poetry.”

“I’m an engineer, not an english major,” Andrea said.

Tom was quiet for a while. “If I was loyal to UniMicro, as your manager I
could fire you for this,” he said.

“I already quit, dude, read your email.” she retorted.

“The company could sue you for destruction of property.” Tom retorted back.

“You have backups.” Andrea replied. “What I did was pointless and we both
know it. You were going out to go pick up the tapes just now, weren’t you?”

Involuntarily, Tom smiled. “Yeah, I was going out to pick up the tapes.”

“So you’re fine, butt-covering-wise. Slap me on the wrist if you want.” She
held out her hand to him for the slap. He declined. “If I had had any sense
and I was calmer I would have just been sneaky about it.”

“How do you mean?”

“I would have just changed things so they were only slightly fucked up, rather
than just slashing and burning the whole thing. Change a few files, remove
a few important things, you know, make it look real. That would have been
the smart way to screw up the system. If I had done it right it would have
taken you months to figure out.”

* * * *

Tom never made it back home to get the backups. But he was really wishing
he had managed to get some coffee. He came back into the office forty-five
minutes after he had left, his hands in his pockets, deep in thought, and
went immediately into his cubicle. The message in the CVS logs from Andrea
was still there in radiant blue on black for all to see.

“Hey Tom, can I see you in my office a second?” Johnnie, the CEO Tom had
hired to run the company not six months earlier, stuck his head over the top
of the cubicle. Tom hastily clicked the incriminating evidence away from the
screen.

“Can it wait, Johnnie?” he said. “I’m kind of busy right now.”

Johnnie tapped on top of the cubicle with his pen, a habit that really annoyed
Tom. “No, actually, it can’t wait. I need to see you in my office right away.”

Tom looked at his watch. It was barely nine o’clock. Obediently he stood
up from his desk, turned on the screen saver lock on his computer, and followed
his CEO down the hall to the office.

* * * *

It was true. It was all true. Everything Andrea had said. The company would
be shut down, the technology and the executives moved to Boston. It would
all be announced at noon, at a lunch meeting. They were even having Chinese
food brought in for the whole company. Hi, we’re closing down your company
and eviscerating your work, have another egg roll?

After the initial blow it would be Tom’s job to clean up the mess; Tom’s
job to put the happy face spin on the betrayal, Tom’s job to lay everyone
off.

What an incredibly sucky job.

That afternoon Tom was expected to turn over a CD of all the code, of everything
in the source tree, ready or not. It would be given to a group in Boston who
would take it over, incorporate it into another UniMicro project that was
only tangentially related. Tom could stay on with the company to educate the
Boston group about how the code worked, get them up to speed on the technology.
And then he was welcome to find another job within UniMicro if he could, or
to move on with a nice fat severance package.

He could stay on temporarily. If he wanted to. He could help with the transition,
if he wanted to. Before he was forced out of his own company.

Anyone who has managed engineers knows it is hard to get them to agree on
much of anything. “Managing engineers is like herding cats”, goes the old
saw. After talking with Johnnie, Tom had grabbed all the engineers he could
find and sent them out to the tree where they could not be overheard. Once
they were there he called all the engineers who were still at home in bed
on every available cell phone he could find. In light of the news to be announced
at the lunch meeting, Tom’s plan went over exceptionally well. Not a single
engineer had a single complaint. The impromptu tree meeting adjourned and
the staff got to work.

An emacs window was open on Tom’s screen, the cursor flashing gently. He’d
spent the last few hours working through code, tracing through old logs and
old files, deleting functions, introducing errors into other parts, removing
entire files. He had some really old backup tapes around the office, tapes
at least a year old, and he restored a lot of files from there (including
all of Andrea’s). They were useless to the current project, of course, but
they were just what he wanted now. As he worked he modified the logs, changed
the archives, covered his tracks. All around him, engineers were making similar
changes, carefully erasing months of work. He was, as Andrea had put it, being
sneaky about it.

UniMicro had made one major mistake in acquiring Oblinx: they had never done
any technical due diligence. They knew what Oblinx was supposed to do, but
they didn’t know how much of it Oblinx had actually done. And in colluding
with Oblinx’s upper management they had skipped what would normally be a really
important step in the process. They would be deeply sorry for that. By the
time Tom and his engineers were done, there would not be much left. There
would be enough there for plausible deniability. Enough there to claim that
was all they had accomplished. Enough there to deflect the blame on Oblinx
upper management for pumping up the technology and making it seem like the
company had more than it did. But really, all UniMicro would get would be
barely workable garbage. Well, that and an upper management team known for
its backstabbing. But hey, maybe they’d fit in just fine at UniMicro.

Tom figured he’d start another company. Venture capitalists wouldn’t care
that Oblinx had failed; he had built it from nothing and sold it to UniMicro
and that would be good enough for them. Andrea had already said that she’d
work for him again but only if he didn’t hire any idiots. He promised to try
not to. And with the layoffs he suspected he could get at least a couple other
engineers to come with him. He didn’t need that new car anyhow.

Just before the daliclock on his screen turned over into noon and he was
due in the conference room for the big layoff announcement that everyone already
knew about, Tom saved the last file, switched focus to an Xterm, typed a command.
His finger paused over the Return key.

“Fuck you, UniMicro,” he muttered under his breath. “Fuck you all to hell.”

And he pressed the key.

[tom 15]%> cvs commit

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

The Giant Drill Bit

January 1, 1999

in Essays

I have a new car. Actually, I’ve had a new car for a while now. Because every
time I mention the new car in polite company, people say “Oh Laura, you *didn’t*,”
in a pained voice, I will conveniently neglect to mention the make or model,
but I will hint that I am neither a Nazi nor a soccer mom and its a good car
so shut the hell up.

Said new car has been in the shop twice in four months, but for things that
apparently have to do with some strange curse against me and this car, and
not to do with it falling apart or anything. The first time it was in the
shop was because I got a rock stuck in the brake caliper (I took my offroad
vehicle offroad. silly me!). The second time was because of what we will call
The Giant Drill Bit Incident, and it is the subject of this here essay.

After having the car a mere few weeks and after it already been in the shop
for the rock in the brake caliper incident, I was off running errands one
day. It was an ordinary day, like any other day. I had gone into town to visit
the bookstore and the coffeehouse and to pick up some stamps, I had bought
some lunch while I was in town (some chinese noodles and a half pound of really
stinky cheese), and I was on my way home.

So there I was driving home, minding my own business, and I turned the corner
onto my road as I have done a gazillion times before. Minding my own business,
as I said, with my lunch on the seat next to me.

WHUNK THUNK CCHCHHHHHHHSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH went my car from the back and
underneath.

Eeee! Bad noise. Very bad noise. Not a good noise at all. I pulled over.
Fortunately there was a little dirt turnoff right there I could pull over
safely onto.

I got out of the car. I looked under the car behind the rear bumper. Nothing
there. I looked under the car from the right side. Nothing there. I looked
under the car from the left side. There’s an eighteen inch hunk of metal sticking
out of the bottom of my car.

Huh. That doesn’t belong there. I look closer. Its a 3/8″ drill bit, the
18″ long kind, with the pointy end facing down. I must have run over it, it
popped up, and lodged itself in the undercarriage of my car….and yet was
long enough to still be scraping the road after it got embedded under there.

So. Do I pull it out? I can’t leave it there. Maybe, I thought hopefully,
its stuck in something nonimportant, and I can just pull it out and drive
home. Yeah. I tug at it. Its really stuck. Its stuck in something plastic.
I tug harder, wiggle, yank, get down on my knees, take both hands, and finally,
it…..comes….loose!

And gasoline immediately begins to pour out of the hole.

I put it back. Too late, the gas is still coming. Great. Fine. Terrific.
Note for the future: DO NOT pull embedded objects out of the bottom of your
car.

OK. This is what cell phones are for. I call Eric.

“I’M FUCKED!” I wail at him. “I’m SO FUCKED!” I elaborate. “I RAN OVER A
DRILL BIT AND THERE’S A REALLY BIG HOLE AND NOW THERE’S GASOLINE ALL OVER
THE ROAD! GALLONS AND GALLONS AND I JUST FILLED IT UP YESTERDAY!!!”

“OK, just calm down,” Eric says reassuringly. “Are you standing away from
the car?”

I’m standing next to the car. FWOOF BOOM goes my subconscious and I see
me and my lunch, stinky cheese and all, up in flames. I move away from the
car. “Yes,” I whimper.

Eric is totally sensible. Call 911 and have them come mop up the gas, he
says. Call the nice 800 roadside assistance line for your car and have them
tow it, he says. Call me when you get done and I’ll come pick you up, he says.

“OK,” I whimper.

I call 911 first. Cell phone 911 goes to the CHP, where they put you on
hold. I sit there on hold for HALF AN HOUR. By the time I give up, all the
gas has run out of my car and has soaked into the ground. It is a good thing
that I am not actually in a REAL EMERGENCY, because cellular 911 SUCKS SUCKS
SUCKS. Note for the future: don’t get into a real emergency when all you have
is your cell phone.

I walk up the street a quarter mile to the nearest house and get on a landline,
where 911 picks up before the first ring. They send out the fire department.

The fire department YELLS at me for dumping gas all over the road. I’m SORRY,
I didn’t do this INTENTIONALLY. They also yell at me for not calling them
earlier. EXCUSE ME I would have but 911 cellular put me on HOLD for half an
hour. Next the CHP shows up, and I’m figuring, GREAT, now I’m going to get
a ticket for unlawful dumping of gasoline or something, but the CHP tells
me this wasn’t really an accident (gee, thanks) so they won’t file a report.
They also give me the helpful advice not to pull embedded objects out of the
bottom of my car (gee, thanks).

The fire department asks me if I’ve called a tow. Well, uh, not yet. They
look at me like I’m a moron. I call the nice 800 roadside assistance number.
While I’m on the phone the fire department plugs up the hole in the tank,
which is rather pointless at this point, because there is no gas left in the
tank. They also tell me when the tow guy gets here to have them bring some
absorbent to mop up the gas. I say, uh, can’t you do that? They say, no, the
tow the guy will do that.

Oh. OK.

The fire company and the CHP leave having done little but make me feel like
an idiot and a criminal. The 800 roadside assistance number calls me back
and they’re very nice. I tell them about the absorbent. They say the fire
department didn’t do that? I say they said the tow people would do that. They
say that’s wierd. They say they’ll send a tow.

An hour later the tow guy shows up. Its rained on and off, but I’m too scared
to go sit in my car so now I’m wet. Its hot and muggy and my stinky cheese
is getting stinkier all the time.

Tow guy has absorbent. He looks at my gas puddle, which has sunk into the
dirt. “I can’t use absorbent on that,” he says. “Its too late.” “Yeah,” I
replied. “I thought the fire guys should have thought of that.” “The fire
deparment was here?” the tow guy said. “Why didn’t they just mop up the gas?”

Damned if I know.

So me and my lunch get a tow to my dealer. I had to apologize for the stinky
cheese. Repeatedly.

“What happened this time?” the service guy asked, who remembers me from
the rock in the brake caliper incident.

“Ran over a drill bit,” I replied. The service guy looked unmoved. I pulled
out the drill bit from my bag. The service guy’s eyes got really big. “Punctured
the gas tank.”

“Ah,” said the service guy. “You’ll be wanting to call your insurance.”

Here’s the funny thing, about car insurance. There is comprehensive insurance
and there is collision insurance. I had always assumed that collisions were
accidents involving running into other cars and walls and trees and things.
Actual *collisions.* And I had assumed that if I was dumb enough to run into
a tree that I could darn well pay for my own bodywork. For everything else
including bizarre freak accidents involving giant drill bits in the road leaping
up and lodging into the car, I have comprehensive. I had assumed. And so under
this theory I had a fairly high deductible for collision and a low deductible
for comprehensive.

But that’s not how it works, as the insurance gal explained to me later
on. The actual breakdown is that if the object is in motion when it hits your
car, its comprehensive. If the object is stationary, its a collision.

So because the giant drill bit was sitting in the road when I ran over it,
it counts as a collision. If the giant drill bit had fallen from the sky,
that would be different. If the giant drill bit had fallen off a moving vehicle,
it would be different. But no. (of course, in either of those cases the drill
bit might very well have come through the windshield and embedded itself in
*me* instead of in the gas tank, but I’m ranting here and don’t want to get
distracted my minor details). Because of the nature of my encounter with the
drill bit, my cost for this freak accident after ten years of total claim-free
insurance payments was miraculously four times what it would have been otherwise.

sigh.

The gas tank, in addition, is some sort of fancy plastic space-age polymer
that can only be replaced, not patched, and one of the disadvantages of owning
a car from the particular manufacturer of the car which I’m not revealing
to you is that the parts are lovingly assembled by hand by elderly European
craftsman and then shipped by luxury liner to the US, or so it would seem
by the cost of the $(#*)@*# gas tank and the time it took for the damn thing
to actually show up. While the car was in the shop, however, I got to drive
my miata again, which was in and of itself an amusing experience, for having
gotten used to driving the other car and then going back to the miata was
somewhat akin to moving from a large comfy mohair sofa onto the back of an
excessively caffienated mountain goat. But an excessively caffienated mountain
goat that handles really well, I grant you.

But I have my new car back now, the insurance paid for their portion and
didn’t even raise my rates (bless them), and hopefully my service guy will
not be seeing much more of me in the near future. I still drive that corner
almost every day in that car, although I do admit to watching for rogue drill
bits each and every time.

And I’m a lot more careful about bringing stinky cheese home, let me tell
you.

{ Comments on this entry are closed }